4 days past

Ok so it's 4 days past the fast, and I am very close to being over regular food. I miss my veggies.

Here is the brake down of the fast:
lost 25 lbs
down 2 pants sizes and 1 shirt size
boobs deflated and some skin hanging around
gained a new perspective on food and my life
learned that God grants lots of self-control 
Denying yourself the "stuff" that drags you around by the nose can give you pleasure and boost your confidence. I had several times during the fast when I just had to say  "take that! I will not be stopped" and it felt GOOD to say it. I think so often I get caught up in lives of  my family making sure that they are succeeding in  all their areas that I have put my need to succeed  far away.

Here is where it get tricky, sticky and dare I say deep.

I have made it my goal as a wife and mother get rid of all  my needs, wants and desires of self because if I did not that just proved that I was selfish. You have to admit we always admire the most sacrificial wives, mothers, women because this shows their greatness ie Proverbs 31 women. This idea was taught from an early age and expected of me by my family and when I got married I expected it of myself. Can you say conflict of interest. The battle of self and expected self had begun in epic proportion. Submit, obey, denying yourself all good biblical teachings, but I saw disregard yourself for his benefit and later on their benefit.   I have at many times prided myself in my ability to push self away and to make them the most important. I have done this because I believed that this is what a mother, daughter, wife, christian is to do, but is it really? Am I supposed suppress all that I want and desire out of life every time for the sake of others? Does God see me as  holier than others because of my sacrifice? Sure He does because that's how you impress God. Give  all your time and effort to "sacrificial obedience" because that is what make you great in God's eyes. Read self righteous and holier than thou and  just really pissed off.

I have fought with with anger my entire life and it has won many battles. I know why. I hated to be told what I felt and passed over because "oh Wendy won't care she will understand" Like rip Wendy won't care and I won't understand. But did I say anything, No because I was supposed to just take it and smile and I did it to perfection. When I really just wanted to tell them off and take what was mine.  STUFFING!! Can't say anything, just naturally turned into won't say anything and internal anger is born!


This is what I know now;  Denying self should in end give you joy not anger or resentment.   Suppression of self is not sacrificial love it is stuffing. Stuffing leads to anger and resentment. Which will lead to  bitterness and I do not want to be a bitter old women I lived with one and I will not become her. Sacrificial love although it may not be what I want to do I will do it as unto the Father and He will give me joy. Every minute of very day is not about the kids and I am not self serving if is about me. I do not have to give all the time to them, it is ok to say "not today" and not feel guilty or selfish.
I pray that I have learned my lesson to either speak up and deal with the situation or give it over to God and let Him deal with it and not take it up again.



All  of this is  "just learned"  information just you wait till I put down what I have been smoking over the entire fast.